studioxd

For the last few years, I've heard almost nothing from my "family" in NY. Up till recently, post my stepfather's breakdown, and going into the mental hospital. He however returned from that, and as far as everyone knew, was fine.
But last night I found out things that have been going on there that I had NO idea about, and am not even sure how to react to. I'm at the same time outraged, disgusted, and shocked. And what makes this hard is that I'm 1,200 miles away, and really can't do anything from here.
I found out last night that my little brother was being beaten, and abused in several ways by not only my stepfather, but also by 2 of the neighbors. I don't know for how long this has been going on, but it all just came out last night. My brother never called me, or contacted me, because he was afraid. The neighbors I thought I could trust, have turned out to be crooked, I had to hear this from a friend of mine, and my aunt, who took my little brothers in after my stepfather abandoned them. (both are much younger than I, and autistic.)
It's been such a shock. I knew things weren't perfect up there, but I had no idea about any of this. It all just came out last night, I'm guessing because this is the first time in months, that my brother has felt safe, and able to talk about what was really going on there.
I wish I could have been there. My brothers are safe now, but I wish I could have known about this, and been there to protect them.

I may decide to explain my recent journal post. Haven't decided whether I should air out the laundry, so to speak.

Same horse time, same horse channel:

When: 6 Pacific, 9 Eastern
Where: http://www.ustream.tv/channel/equine-musicianship

Please join us, and bring your friends :) Tweets are much appreciated!

Thank you. *the shire bows*

Dear friends,

I have been trying to stay out of this, directly, for about two weeks. Rather than get in between issues, I have clearly stated that I will not be a part of the banter between Neil Whitesell aka sailsior and those around him. Mostly because I have been tired of having much anger directed towards myself, or around myself, regarding this person and his activities. Recently, this individual purchased a gun, which is his legal right, for 'personal protection' from another individual who purchased a gun for protection against him. He has shown signs of delusion, and consistantly lies. When confronted with these lies, he usually becomes quiet and withdrawn. He has confessed to multiple people about his mental instability in the past, as well as past violent acts against another individual. Of which recently he attempted to rescend.

I'm not going to tell anyone who to be friends with. I didn't do that with Dobie and I certainly won't do that with Neil, however, I strongly advice caution in dealing with this individual. He has stated that his is slow to anger, but once angered can be dangerous. Combined with the above statement that he has actively shot someone with a weapon (by his own mouth, no less.. to multiple people on seperate occassions), it's possible that he can be directly dangerous to those around him. Combined with his tendency to fabricate events, it's very likely he will even delude himself into such. He stalks and manipulates, and mines for information constantly, using it to support his fabrications no matter how much he must twist it. Two of those who live with him have already left due to these matters, and by the end of the year he will be looking for a place to live.

I understand that I may catch some heat for saying these things. I would not do so if he had not shown that he cannot be honest to me. He has chose to block me on twitter after I called him out on his recent bullshit, stating that I said he was running around with a weapon. I asked him where he heard this, and he blocked me. It seems odd that an honest man would do this, when a simple response would be better. The rumors and lies stop now. What protection I've given stops now, and I apologize to all those whom I've previous defended him towards.

P.S. Neil, if you read this. You had the option of speaking with me, verbally, about the issue. You made it a public spectacle, and removed me so I cannot decry your fabrications. Now I have no choice but to speak publicly.

Update: It seems that the blocking incident was centered around a comment I made that he shouldn't parade around with his weapon, which I stand behind and state that he shouldn't. He has yet to parade around with it, except online, where he's posted pictures of himself with his shotgun for all to see. What this has to do with personal protection, I have no idea.

It's not so bad this year. I'm still looking for room (hopefully at the main hotel), but I've got a plan if that doesn't go through (a plan I don't like, but it's a plan nonetheless).

If anyone has a position opening up at the main hotel, or know of one, please get in contact with me. I'm even willing to sleep on the floor despite my back problems because I love MFF so much.

txt me if you have my number, otherwise IM, Twitter, or leave a message here.

----

I hate I keep doing this to myself, but it's something I recognize as a breakable habit. I'll get out of it, I know I will.

I'm doing well. I'm on a drug called Wellbutrin to try and help with the serious depression I keep returning to every few months. I'm taking the drug while also talking with a therapist so that I can easily work through the emotions as my body adjusts the the chemical change. Wellbutrin is also said to help ADD patients gain focus.

I feel that depression is an all to easy human condition that anyone can lapse into, and if not taken care of soon it could create cycles difficult to pull oneself out of. It's an embarrassing and frustrating disease, but treatable with therapy and medication. If there is someone out there who is struggling, then I hope they read this and understand that good recommended therapists can go a long way towards helping you.

My depression is linked to the serious spinal surgeries I had as a child, and the shy personality I developed in school. I've allowed myself to lapse into a cycle of depression and inattentive lack of energy ... hurting several friends, and frustrating many more. My brain chemistry became use to a continuous cycle of negative emotions that I torment myself with. It's my hope that with an anti-depressant, therapy can help train my mind to recognize warning signs and run on a more stable cycle of emotions.

I'm wanting most of all to thank those I've talked to over the last few months to help straighten my head out. Also I wanted to thank those I pissed off in the last few months for sticking to our friendships. And I want to thank the Medicine Shoppe for not realizing that I've switched insurance companies and keeping my prescription hostage for half a week.

Thank you all :3

I'm getting a 2004 SATURN ION FOR 500$ FUCK YEAH

(My mother is doing the same thing she did to me when she gave me the 1994 Corolla, she gave me the Corolla and then bought herself a brand new 2004 Saturn Ion..... now shes buying herself a new BMW z4 convertible and giving me the Ion for 500$... but hey I can't complain!)

Came up on my player, and just started to cry... I'm so lost without Eq, and I know it...
How I came to be deserving of any of the affection he has shown me over the last 5 years... I just... don't know. :(


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zOW2UfvWWAE&feature=related

Here we are on earth together,
It's you and I,
God has made us fall in love, it's true,
I've really found someone like you

Will it say the love you feel for me, will it say,
That you will be by my side
To see me through,
Until my life is through

Well, in my mind, we can conquer the world,
In love you and I, you and I, you and I

I am glad at least in my life I found someone
That may not be here forever to see me through,
But I found strength in you,
I only pray that I have shown you a brighter day,
Because that's all that I am living for, you see,
Don't worry what happens to me

Cause' in my mind, you will stay here always,
In love, you and I, you and I, you and I, you and I
In my mind we can conquer the world
In love, you and I, you and I, you and I

~Stevie Wonder, You And I, 1972 (Talking Book)

I was let out for good behavior.
http://picasaweb.google.com/fmanBA/ESP?feat=directlink

So, I wanted to have more than one update during the National Novel Writing Month that would give insight into what the process is like for me. Here ya go.

To give a little background on how it all got started for me for 2009, let me just say that I dedicated about 3 days total to planning out the basic framework for the novel. No actual writing for word count is allowed to take place until 12:00:01 am on November 1st, but any amount of pre-planning, outlining, character sketches, or anything one might need to establish the basics for the novel are allowed.

The basic premise came to me sometime in late August: man learns about life and times of an orca's pod through being swallowed and mind-linked with the orca he is within. It's rather crude, basic, and lacks a theme, but it worked for me at the time. Further planning would need to take place a little closer to NaNo so that the story stayed fresh in my memory, so I let it simmer for a little while and didn't start thinking about specifics until the first week of October.

First week of October came, and I started basic plotting and characterization. Thought about character names, brief desciptions, and their purpose and function in the story. I scribbled these down by purchasing a pocket notebook that I could write while in some of the less active areas in my workplace. I came up with a basic timeline of main plot events using my character descriptions, but didn't actually write that down. Once I'd completed the few character desciptions I did, I then loosely doodled one of the other characters to be able to give them a decent description when it comes time to write about what that character looks like. After a couple of days of getting this info down, I then stopped all work on the novel and waited until November to begin world-building.

It may seem like a somewhat foolish approach to wait so long, but I find that a good portion of the magic and joy that NaNoWriMo has are all of the little discoveries you can make while in the midst of a productive writing session or even in the middle of a "word war" (a friendly competition usually held at write-ins to see who can write the most words to add to their novel). Allowing yourself to world-build as NaNo goes on gives you the chance to build some pretty intense worlds if you have the know-how. Even for those just getting started in the biz (like me), it's a good opportunity to practice this most-essential skill. For a story whose main plot would eventually have a setting of the sea, I felt it was appropriate to build a lively port town as the place for my protagonist to come from/live in and start his adventure. I figure that'll save readers from the potentially excruciating road trip said protagonist would have to take.

Thusfar, it has been pretty magical, as I'm still standing way at the top of my word count quota. As a matter of fact, as of my most recent writing session that ended just several minutes ago, I now stand at 30,749 words. I've made it over the midway point and can now start the descent into the primary conflict of my story. A plot flash just occurred during that writing session that will set up the very end of my novel, and so it spurred my word count to shoot right on up past that 30k landmark. The novel has also reached 50 pages in length, and I stand at close to 10,000 words above that minimum quota.

Week 2 definitely hasn't been easy. It's been my first full week back into work since the vacation, and it's taken a toll on my body. It's definitely hard to get up in the mornings, but I find that if I can get past that, the rest of the day is a breeze. I have had a few nights of less-than-stellar word counts and even a night where I dozed off before I submitted my word count to the site, hence ending up with a 0 word day. I made up for it and went 700 words over the 2-day quota I then had to meet. The NaNo founder Chris Baty is making Week 3 sound almost magical, and so I imagine that I possibly maybe might be able to get to 50,000 words near the end of Week 3, leaving Week 4 for actually finishing the novel and writing "The End" before November 30th. I can only hope and push forward.

Exuberant imperfection indeed!

I am going to jail.